OUT: Celebrities hitting people!

Goodness gracious famous ladies! Stop hitting people.
First it was Naomi, then recently Miss Lilo threw a fist at her assistant and now Foxy Brown (the original firecrotch - and that ain't got nothing to do with hair colour) is in the news after allegedly assualting two manicurists in 2004.

First of all, didn't your mama ever tell you that violence is not the answer?
Secondly Miss Brown, um, hitting the poor ladies who slaved over your 2 inch nails for $20?! As if you can't afford $20! As if you're too cheap to go to a real salon! Come on woman - no offence to the salon in question - but hello?! could you be any cheaper?!

out: the popular kids

Well, it seems that Tara Reid was denied entrance to a club while Paris sauntered right on in.

My thoughts: why the hell would you want to go to this crappy club? Look at the guy with the bad facial hair standing next to Tara, yelling, "No room!" He's like the losers I went to high school with (uh, if you went to my high school, I'm obviously not referring to YOU *cough*).

In fact, it seems like L.A. is one big high school. Look, Paris is popular and Tara isn't. Tara, if I were you, I'd dye my hair black, get a lip piercing, quit the coke, and lament about the perils of being young, rich, and famous in some eccentric little coffeehouse where psuedo-indie people like Ryan Gosling hang out. From what I've heard, Ryan's pretty awesome. I bet if you argued your case to him, he'd let you be friends with him and Rachel. Believe me, the popular kids suck.

You know who's not popular? Carmen Electra. Have you seen Dirty Love? That movie is a fucking masterpiece. She can pull it off cause it's not something the popular kids would do. Dude, go make friends with Christina Ricci or some shit! I bet she has better things to say than Paris "I-love-my-backasswards-cd-so-much-it-makes-me-cry" Hilton. why would anyone want to be at the same club as her anyway? Look, here's ten bucks. Go download some The Kooks and do something that's actually interesting.

Please, just stop hanging around the door and looking all desperate. It makes me want to give you a hug. And next time someone doesn't let you into a club because you're not "cool" enough, remember, they're not your real friends anyway.

in: fefe

i'm not going to lie. i love fefe dobson. her songs are consistently better than her contemporary's (avril) and she writes 'em herself. her new album got mysteriously little publicity (did it even come out yet?), but she still rocks my world.

whatever you did, fefe, you're still awesome to me. rock on. (look how she gives it in this little video i conjured up...)

IN: Hot Movie Love Scenes

Apparently Jessica Alba and Dane Cook have a fierce love scene in their new movie. Hot right?


OUT: Love scenes so hot teeth get knocked out

Apparently poor Jessica lost a tooth while gnashing her jaw against Cook's during shooting.
"We shot all our love scenes in one day and I actually lost a tooth. I chipped a tooth as well so I need to get that fixed. Isn't that disgusting? We were smashing our faces together and it just happened. It's not the slowest, most romantic of love scenes. Dane's a wild one," she told Extra.
Wow. That's a tad overzealous if you ask me!

out: being in love

being in love is retarded.



also, on a sad note, i just wrote an article and i had to include skulls in it as an in. meaning they're now out. as soon as i write an article about it, it's out.

IN: being in like and not giving a care.

OUT: Calling Missy fat

Okay so Missy Elliot is demanding. She requested £70,000 worth of cristal, first class plane tickets and five-star hotelaccommodationss for her entourage for an upcoming concert in Bournemouth, UK but that doesn't make it okay for MonstersandCritics.com to print this: "Missy Elliot has absolutely no problem with her large, overweight body or lack of shyness when demanding diva proportioned 'extras'."

Missy looking positively svelte

Number 1: Missy Elliot has slimmed down and is no longer what I would call overweight.
Number 2: That is absolutely besides the point! She's a diva. Divas come in all shapes and sizes. Look at JLo! Do people make fun of her bum when she makes ridiculous demands?...hmmm..Probablyy. But again, that doesn't make it okay.

IN: Owen Wilson

Look at him. He's adorable.



OUT: Doing this to Owen Wilson



This lovely lady flashed her rack to the dashing "You, Me and Dupree" star at the premiere of his movie in London. Who said Brits were prim and proper?

in: beyonce

that beyonce is an enigma, isn't she? remember when she had her mom design all those stupid clothes and wore sports socks with high heels? or the time she was really bad in that austin powers movie? or when she dated jay-z (who is a very good lyricist but not as hot as beyonce)? or when she made that stupid "hip-hopera"?

then she does stuff like write awesome songs that say "i don't think you're ready for this jelly" and stuff. and that really nice video where she looks out for her girls. and then, today, i read this article where she tells all the girls not to go on a liquid only diet just because she went on one for her movie. and i think, wow, that beyonce is all right.

out and outter

OUT: Using stupid movie titles on the same cover as a man who confessed to killing and sexually abusing a child.

















OUTTER: Copying that headline from the New York Post.
















*sorry, tried posting this yesterday, but it didn't work!

IN: Everything is more fun when the room is spinning

(photo courtesy of gofugyourself)

Well, actually it feels more like the world is rocking back and forth like I'm on a boat but it's dizziness none the less. I liken my new lack of equilibrium to what it must feel like to be Tara Reid. And let me tell you, at first it's off-putting. You feel a bit nauseous and out of control but by day three? Fabulous. Being dizzy makes everything more fun.

Consider the simple task of carrying a cup of tea back to your desk: Instant adventure.
Peeing? Feels like I'm in the bathroom stall of some nightclub after a couple drinks.
Simply walking down the hall turns into a game of "don't hit the walls."

FUN FUN FUN

OUT: Heavily drugged into a state of constant dizziness like Ms. Reid, as opposed to innocently coming down with a syndrome apparently called Mal de Debarquement caused by a lack of sea legs.

IN: Hollywood couple togetherness

In a world where darlings like Kate Hudson could turn out to be home-wrecking hussies (in this case wrecking her own home) Heath and Michelle's shared hatred of paparazzi and fondness for giving the finger warm my heart.

OUT: Grown women wearing bathing suits made for five-year-olds. Michelle, I appreciate your new found vacation girth - you were looking a tad skeletal for a while there - but could you not find something slightly more sophisticated?!

the benjamins are out. cents are in.

in: having some sense

out:
dumb fucks who never bothered to learn manners
those with no proper modern decorum
people who don't know how to be a gentleman/woman
people who aren't good employees, etc etc.

it's called etiquette. learn some.

IN: Dirty Harry

Ever since the younger of Diana's Royal hotties emerged as a tabloid target I have to say, I've been a little smitten. The big-eared, goofy-looking Prince really has turned out to be quite handsome. And his bad boy antics only make him that much more attractive. I really don't care if this photo was taken last night, last week or, as the Royal Family claims, three years ago. Prince Harry is hot.



OUT: Falsies
Is it even possible that these breasts are not made of rubber? And if they are in fact, attached to her body, they're definitely not natural. How can we blame adorable Harry for stealing a grope of what are so obviously man-made bosoms?!

PS Poor Prince William. He's slowly being overshadowed by little Harry AND he looks like a dumb, boring drunk in the background! Live a little, grab a boob, smoke some pot, dress as a Nazi. Do something William!

nish nish

in:

eating brunch with christian friends
eating chocolate dessert after a meal with the fellowship of christian friends

out:

being fabulous
showering with a friend
watching will and grace
eating very chocolatey stuff all the time

i'm a pee on you

there's no one more out than r kelly. the man garners such a reaction in me that when i hear his name, i involuntarily throw up. he really, really wants to pee on you. if you're female and under the age of 17. otherwise, he wants nothing to do with you. unless you're jay-z. then you're ok.

in: rome

the council met last night and decided on the newest hottest ins and outs.

in:

• releasing a bunch of murderers and drug addicts on the street because there's not enough room in prison
• wearing your sunglasses at night
• doing a hand dance to attract the attention of a suave young man
• indie guerilla marketing*
• boys in suits
• top crisis secret
• the word "doofus" with "douche" = "douchus"

out:

• inviting your dad out to meet your stripper friends
• riding side-saddle
• pussycat dolls
• lindsay lohan

in of the week

the innest thing of the moment has to be kelis. from caught out there to her newest forray into the inner workings of hip hop, the spectaculous bossy, kelis has finally come into her own. there's not much the council agrees on outright, but one thing is for sure. kelis always has and always will be in. congratulations, kelis, on this coveted honour. don't let us down.

IN: red lips

AND I declare "babe" back in as of this morning.

we're not crazy for swayze. swayze is crazy.

i cannot say that i haven't been in the same room as patrick swayze rambled on about his new straight-to-dvd dance spectacular, but i can say that he is a teensy bit ridiculous. he refuses to talk about one of the best movies of all time in which he incidentally starred. this makes me sad.

but you know what makes me sadder? the fact that he thinks it okay that the gibs said he hates the jews. luckily, i love the jews enough to make up for both their sorry asses.

IN: Big Hair

(photo courtesy of gofugyourself.com)

Forget what the fashion designers and makeup artists say!
Pin straight hair = boring!
Big, crazy "I'm on crack" bedhead = totally in.

OUT: disguising anorexic body with large hair
Nice try Miss Richie!

in: walking away

here's an electronic mixtape about the latest trend: breaking up

craig david - walking away

kelly clarkson - walk away

franz ferdinand - walk away

christina aguilera - walk away

ben harper - walk away

IN: being a fucking idiot... kidding!

britney is a dum dum! nuff said.

in, to my shagrin

and now for something i like to call in, to my shagrin. it's things that are in but i wish they'd make a quick exit from popular culture and society altogether. first on the agenda is the soon-to-be ubiquitous skinny jean, which, apparently, you'd better learn to love. i was tipped off to the leah mclaren article by a couple of my well-meaning friends the other day. the point: just buy 'em now, because you're going to do it eventually anyway.

mclaren writes:

Even though I'm probably deluding myself into believing that skinny jeans don't make me look like an overripe pear, I'd rather take that chance than look like a postpartum soccer mom who hasn't been to the mall in 10 years. Apologies to Trinny and Susannah (of BBC's What Not to Wear fame), but once in a while it's better to wear something unflattering than unfashionable. I hate to say it, but if you're not wearing skinny jeans in the next six months, you are going to look like either a) you don't care or b) you don't know. Neither is good.

sadly, the skinny jean is in, but guess what? my ass is fat! so i declare the skinny jean in, to my shagrin. next week: i'm mad about plaid. and i don't mean i'm glad it's all the rage, i mean it launches me to a quick rage.

my advice: invest in some long-ass sweaters

IN: crazy celeb couple double dates

TomKat have invited the Beckenhams to visit precious baby Suri. Oh to be a fly on their Scientologist wall! I'd probably get squished by Tom's tiny little hand as he slid across the room all Risky Business-style in sock feet, but to see skeletor Posh and her gorgeous hubby with the magic foot pretend to coo over what is probably a hideous infant (why else are they keeping her so secret?) would be well worth it!

OUT: crazy celeb couple-enforced baby visiting rules
Sadly Vicki cannot reach out a spindly finger and stroke Suri's fugly cheek and Becks may not wax poetically in baby talk. Apparently, The Cruise's have laid down some strict Suri regulations.

IN: body fat

Lovely Lindsay Lohan is so generously demonstrating the hottest look for August 2006: curves (left and centre).

Granted, in the grand (and tiny) scheme of the female figure, she's still on the petite side but girl is looking good. And look how happy she looks on the left! I too would be cheering if after a year of lettuce and intervenus nutrition (see photo on right) not only did I get to eat cookies, I also got my boobs back!

Also in: boobs. Boobs are the new ribs. Take that Nicole Richie.

*I'm kidding. Don't be mad Nicole. We were MySpace friends for a whole week. I just want you to continue your slow recovery from 11-year-old boy to something resembling a real woman.*

ins and outs, fashionista style

In:

Couriers
Feeling sexy!
Sassy new 'dos (in one week)
Booze in press kits
waxed floors at the office
aunties

Out:

Having to write and photograph double the amount of stuff for two weeks cause there ain't anyone in the office to cover your ass when you go on vacation
P&G (for killing Rochas)
"Do I look fat?"
Growing it out
Press kits that sing when you open them and haven't stopped singing one
week
later
slipping on waxed floors at the office
uncles.

*though i (TCFNS) posted this, it comes from our resident fashion world insider, whose identity cannot be revealed.

never ever have i felt so bad

IN: british girl groups from the late 90s



OUT: clubs with the name "supper club" in them. BOOOO

That's so retro...

...but with the resurgence of grunge and the revival of the supermodel (not to mention Paris Hilton's Spice-Girl-ridiculous yet charming, if extremely manufactured music) the 90s are the new 60s. It's not antique or vintage. Retro is the new modern, babe.Sorry Sienna Rose Miller, but Kurt Cobain is totally the stealing the spotlight from Edie Sedgwick. Leggings were 90s, silly! Stop giving your new movie all the credit.

So in the spirit of plaid flannel shirts, friendly skulls and black nailpolish, I declare the backpack very IN.

Plus, I really screwed up my shoulder somehow so a pretty (and extremely heavy) shoulder bag was just not going to happen today. Even DSquared2 sees the allure of the good ol' rucksack: "Knapsacks are gay. We used to think they were sexy, but now all these queens are wearing them. They’re so precious." [From Details, August 2006] Anything that is good enough for the gays is good enough for me!

in a 90s kinda world, i'm glad i got my girls!

keep yo head up high, that's right. dude, i didn't know queen L was in living single, i totally forgot.

IN: LIVING SINGLE. both the show and the way of life.

top ten celebs that should be set on fire and punched in the face while they aimlessly flail, looking for water.

okay, maybe it shouldn't be that violent. but, hey.

1. Paris Hilton
2. Paul Shaffer
3. James Blunt
4. Kathleen Edwards
5. Jarvis Cocker
6. Wilmer Valderema
7. Shane from Survivor
8. Paul Reiser
9. Randy Newman
10. Dakota Fanning
    
    post your own in the comment section

nobody puts baby in a corner

there's a great scene in walk the line where joaquim phoenix calls reese witherspoon baby and she gets really mad and yells, "BABY, BABY, BABY!" and slams the door in his face. this is my general position on the term. just now, in the cafeteria in my office, one of the cafeteria guys called me baby.

last week, a friend of mine received a text message from a man she'd met once at a club. there was a back and forth and it ended with his: "okay, babe" (or something to that effect.

is it okay to call someone babe or baby? someone you hardly know??

ins and outs according to Vdidds

in
Teen Vogue (best magazine ever)
real sugar (despite the real calories)
supermodels (like Linda Evangelista who has great eyebrows and admits to using botox)
bathroom self-portraits

out
Mischa Barton (off the O.C. and out of our hearts - not that she ever endeared herself to me)
fake sugar (Teen Vogue says sweeteners are bad for you, dammit!)

this week's ins and outs

in skulls* evildoers peggy bundy face tattoos just being friends little dogs on leashes monochromatic outfits judith light having secrets taking pictures at urban barn

out little dogs in bags cabs crocs wet paint wolves parades gay cowboys austrailians racists keeping secrets babe camouflage

*not to be confused with the last incarnation of the skull revolution. this is a neo-skull trend.